It takes two.
Two what? Two realities
But there can only be one, right? Wrong. You might only have one reality, but yours may be different from theirs. This is what it takes to be in a secret relationship with someone of the same sex. Although, I suppose this is what it takes to be in a secret relationship with someone from any sex. For someone who finds it difficult to hide the truth, my life has become incredibly trying.
I’m seeing a female. Not exclusively. Fuck that, right? What am I thinking? Because no one can know, I’m taking my frustrations out anonymously on a blog.
Sitting in this room, penning these words that are real. Words that exist in a book, on your screen, in someone’s vocabulary. Words that exists in this world. Words that people know the meaning to.
But the totality of these words sum up to a reality only really real in the hearts and vaginas of two. They are not spoken by mouths but portrayed by eyes. These words tell a story of what it sounds like when silence goes to sleep, what word takes its place? The one that forces silence to be silent. These words and thoughts flow from me silently.
What is reality if not seen by others?
Are words still words if not spoken? Is time not still moving when standing still?
The reality is that I am hers and she is mine, and even when we’re not, we were. This is no fantasy, though it may be a reality none of them can see.
More than one reality. When one is awake the other must sleep. Sleep when others throw themselves at her. Sleep when she’s provoked to get with others. Sleep when she doesn’t need provocation.
But like two hemispheres, the sun must orbit them both. So even when it’s dark outside, rest assured my soul the sun will still rise again.
It’s not fucking easy though. Others have the luxury of one reality. Dodging this burden of two. It’s intimidating. You share your affairs with the world and keep my love a secret. Cropped pictures, cropped hearts.
But why should she choose between one hemisphere when she can have the world?
Funny thing is, she kinda is my world. Fuck it.
She orbits both giving life to all, thereby killing them all.
These words don’t exist all together. They’re forced to exist like orphan siblings that have been torn apart by the self righteous of this world. But they still exist. In whichever reality. Because I love her like you love him. The only difference is you will never know.
The reality to you is that she’s just a friend. We’re the best of mates. Let’s stick with this story. It’s far easier than explaining to everyone how for one second the fact that she was female didn’t matter, and how for every second after that you couldn’t resist.
Like these words, it is confusing but beautiful. Illogical but rational. I don’t know how to make sense of it, so it shouldn’t make sense to you.
I just want you to know that to live this reality, it takes two.
To live this lie, it takes two.
To live out this truth, it takes two.