All I Wanna See My Ex be is Miserable

I know we all, at a deep and fundamental level, feel this way. Voetsek with anyone who is on that “I wish them all the best” bullshit. Cos we know how we do the Brenda Fassie jive when we hear about their failed marriages, relationships, work. I know it cannot just be me.

On a beautifully rainy Sunday afternoon, I made the cardinal mistake of going on two ex’s profiles that I haven’t been on in 3+ years. You know when you detach yourself from people, not even just exes for me, but ex friends too, and you literally wanna know about nothing they do. You don’t want updates or pop ups, you just want to pretend like they never happened and no longer exist. THOSE people in your life and in the blocked page of your Facebook and Instagram.

But because you feel obligated to stay friended to their immediate family, their pictures still pop up. And you’d like to just throw up all over your mobile device. But today, I saved the throw up and clicked. I see one ex boyfriend was sans wife at a function. He’s fatter, and greyer. I jived a little at the thought of his marriage ending and the eating disorder I know he had and probably still has. I also jived at the fact that, even with that huge smile and swerve haircut, he’s still deep down the compulsive liar he always was. My BPA gave the game away. Man I love seeing and imagining how bad off my exes are. I enjoy seeing them hop back on Instagram minus 500 pictures of their wives (because it’s now ex wives) and I absolutely love watching them eat shit on the daily.

I have had, maybe, one amicable break up that I still feel amicable about to this day. But it doesn’t stop me from judging the shit out of his average, basic, run-of-the-mill girlfriend. As much as we want to believe that we “don’t care”. We do. We care enough to want front row tickets to the end of them. Even if the relationship was not that serious, even if we ended it, even if we didn’t like them that much. We do love watching the universe deal them kak cards.

Most people will tell you to get over your ex, move on, wish them the best. But I am here to say, hunty, you don’t have to do shit because you don’t owe them shit. Feel the feels about their new life. Lie awake wondering how it can all go wrong. Cos by the end of that, we feel a little better, a little lighter and little more at ease with the fact that we dedicated our time, hearts and insides to that person. We moved mountains, and even if we didn’t, they were something to us and that went nowhere. We are allowed to be a little angry, at maybe the universe. But because thats so broad we aim our anger at them. And that is fine. And next time we are confronted with wishing our exes happiness and roses, its okay to low key wish them a bekskoot.

P.s. Ex’s page number 2’s new boo has fat fingers. I got all the satisfaction I needed from that.

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