Swiping Right

Meet Adam. Deadly handsome. Funny. Smart. White. Successful. Adam. On a half-ass date we say good night, no kiss. A hug. An awkward hug, and we leave. Then I get that text later on, “I should have kissed you”— hamba, you fuck boy. But don’t hamba just yet, cos I low key wanna vray you too. Adam suggests we meet at Hartleyvale Stadium, at night, for this kiss. (A planned kiss in a dark stadium, does not sound white boy creepy at all). But here’s me saying yes. I meet him there. We kiss. It’s nice. I like this one, I decide.

So we hang out a bit more. I climb into the car, “Do you smell that? Wow, it really smells strong like food!”. I shuffle while he says “I can’t smell”. Bruh. Adam goes on to tell me that he has no sense of smell. Born that way. I know it sounds weird, but it was the best dating experience of my life. Not for any other reason but having the ability to sneak farts around him, poop silently in his toilet without him noticing, and most importantly, he could never smell my vrot feet that came out of that R80 Mr Price pumps I loved wearing. Guys, to say I took advantage of this mans disability is an understatement.

Innocently, “Why don’t you drink, Adam?”. Side-bar, I was never ready for this. Adam used to be a functional Heroine addict at some point, many years ago. And with giving up a drug addiction, he gave up alcohol too. Guys, we talking third date, smaak his body, and this man tells me how the cops followed him going to collect Heroine one day before work nogal and court ordered him to rehab. Floored. Dood. Dead. But I’m open minded, you vray lekker, does it even matter? I decide nah.

First time over at Adams house, he had a beautiful apartment. An old factory converted into an apartment block. High individual windows. Industrial. I loved it. But I walk in and there’s a ton of frames on the wall, with nothing in them. No photos. Now, Adam is not the abstract, imagination type so I immediately guess framing fractions of his wall was not the design idea. “Your frames are empty” I say. “They used to have pictures of me and my ex girlfriend in them”. Side-bar, I did not know his break up was this fresh that he hadn’t even had time to take down the frame that supported his couple shoots. Fine, aight. I wasn’t going to stress because I was in the mood for some loving tonight. Fuck the empty frames bruh. Next level jasgeid. Adam was cute, funny, smart. Vrayed lekker. Empty frames or nah, we were gonna do the nasty tonight. Heh. I take the corner, and I look at his open plan wardrobe. Two thirds of it is empty. And it dawns on me, this recent ex girlfriend was a live in girlfriend and it was so recent, the dust hadn’t even cleared in her side of the cupboard yet.

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