She sat startled, “who is there?”, there was a dark silence that filled the room. As she turned to look towards the door, a shadow fell over her bedroom wall, she was alone, all alone and it was him again. Her mind throws her once again into her deepest fear, and into the routine she falls again. Her body is overpowered by her mind and she feels the numbness stretch over her that she has unintentionally created out of doubt and fear.
She looks away, eyes closed tightly for that remains the only place that she can lock away from him. She feels his strong gaze over her body piercing holes in her innocence, violating her soul, and whispering malice gently into her mind. She lies frozen in the dead silence, so silent yet so deafening to her mind as she begins the war with the voice in her head. She screams inside of pain and agony, the young girl trying to comprehend and make sense as to why this is happening. She loves this man with all her heart but her voice has disappeared in the silence and her body and mind feels shifted and dismantled, distinguished into two different beings.
The young girl angers towards her body for it feels vulnerable to bodily pleasures, she struggles to comprehend. The young girl lies in the deafening silence, suffocating and gasping for air. In her attempt to erase this external pain she allows her mind to wander back to a time in her life when she had no worries…
She feels his deep breath spiralling down her neck. She feels overwhelmed by her thoughts, her feelings and her desire to break free of his shackles. The young girl feels her insides twist, she tries to scream but all that comes out of her mouth is breathless air and words unspoken. She begins to pray to her God that she hardly believes in anymore because every time she calls for him, he seems to ignore her. She doesn’t give up and she cries to him again, begging him to take away this pain which feels like a reoccurring disease and a cancer to her mind.
The girl finds her inner strength and possessed by remorse and years of torment, she fights him off her for the first time. Determined to remove the curse of foul, incestuous deeds she gets loose. She was loosened of what felt like years of entrapment within the walls of a secret that she kept only to herself. She jumps out, free of the war within her own head without any words uttered into the breath of the Earth. She is a survivor unleashed of his prison and runs towards freedom.
She turns around before leaving and looks at him for one last time, as to signify the end of his reign over her, and he utters his last words to her “Just you tell.” She leaves her room for the last time, the room which signified to her so many happy memories but at the bottom of those memories lies the pages in her life that would now be chaptered and ended.
Her eyes now so frail and so accumulative of darkness, frowns in this new light. So hard to adjust to the proximity of this light, so bright it hurts and so true these eyes cannot look it straight. By the time the focus is regained and the acceptance of the light has settled in the eyes, she then realizes why the darkness had been all she had ever seen. She realizes the reasons in her struggle and the reasons for her death to the world. She is pulled out of her pain, she is detached from the hurt and the unjust, the hardships, the guilt of others mistakes, the shame and the blame. It is cut. She is new.
The unborn is born into the world again.
As she puts down her pen, lays down her head and closes her eyes to the world for the end of another day that she survived, for every day is a challenge. Her body falls into sleep…she kisses the air goodnight and a snapping fear settles into her subconscious mind. The torment begins again as his presences settles back this time in her mind, feeding on her dreams for like she held her eyes tightly closed before, this time she can’t open them…fighting to wake up from the nightmare she finds herself painfully screaming,
“Daddy why are you doing this again??”
For anyone reading this who currently needs any help in an abusive situation or if you know of one, you are not alone.
Please call 08000 55 555 or visit http://www.childlinesa.org.za/